Other jobs: Personal-injury lawyer taxi medallion tycoon real estate investor (which involved buying multimillion-dollar properties in cash and quickly selling them for at least triple the price, also in cash) purveyor of sometimes dubious loans.Raised: On Long Island, son of a Holocaust survivor who was a doctor nephew of a doctor who owned a catering hall popular with Russian mobsters, for which Cohen was a minority owner until after the 2016 election.Jess Walter on celebrity, betterment, and what Michael Cohen means The Essentials Once one of Trump’s closest advisors who later turned on him before going to jail, Cohen is reportedly working on a tell-all memoir that will be published before the 2020 election. ĭue to the spread of the novel coronavirus in prisons, Michael Cohen was one of nearly 1,200 inmates released on May 21 to complete their time in home confinement. His new novel, The Cold Millions, will be published in October 2020. His novels include the New York Times best seller Beautiful Ruins and Citizen Vince, which won the Edgar Allan Poe Award. Jess Walter is the author of six novels, one book of short stories, and one nonfiction book. You wanna know what else snitches get? Book deals, muthafucka! Fixer out. I paid a trustee to deliver it to him, tucked inside his National Review. So, on the last day of my two-week quarantine, before I went home, I wrote a note to the Ponz. What did the Ponz matter now? The virus didn’t see lame-streamers and Fox-fucks. It hurt too much to think about.īut this virus, it put everything in perspective. Honestly, I hadn’t wanted to admit how much I missed my family. And without his boys, the Ponz was just another old fraud. If this was a TV jail, I’d carve a spoon into a knife or fill a pillowcase with soap.īut here at Otisville there was nothing to do but tell my counselor, and he was a Gestalt therapist who tried to frame the whole thing as a patterned reaction I have to feelings of rejection.īut that’s when the virus arrived. One day I was in the activity room, and a guy tripped on my laptop cord and unplugged it. And I was truly alone, the only celebrity on my block. ![]() Suck on that.īut they ended up sending Shkreli to a different prison. You stole millions? This dude stole billions. Then the Ponz would see us, and I’d say, Hey, Ponz. I imagined roaming the halls with another celeb, showing the Pharma Bro around: There’s the weight room and here’s the basketball courts and there's the pharmacy. The president! Calling me!Īnd now? Would I ever be more than a joke to the MSNBC lame-streamers? A traitorous rat to the Fox-fucks?įor a while, there was a rumor that Martin Shkreli was getting transferred to Otisville. I didn’t sleep well after the Ponz said that. Sometimes they mix in a Michael Lewis or Malcolm Gladwell book, but only to trash it. They meet in the quad to talk about CEO autobiographies. To get in you have to be doing at least a nickel for tax evasion, fraud, or insider trading. ![]() There aren’t actual gangs here, no La Raza or Aryan Brotherhood, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to watch your back.įor instance, the Ponz is in a book club, the WCOG (White Collar Original Gangsters). Once we were in the dayroom watching the news and Giuliani was tripping on his own dick and everyone was laughing and saying he looked like one of those balls you squeeze for stress, where the eyes pop out. Instead, you know what snitches get, right? Then the Ponz said, You miss it, don’t you, Rat? Once, we were in the activity room watching the news and Giuliani was tripping on his own dick and the Ponz said he looked like one of those balls you squeeze for stress, where the eyes pop out.Įven you were a better lawyer than that guy, said the Ponz. Snitch.Įveryone calls him the Ponz, because he specialized in Ponzi schemes, and because of the Fonz from Happy Days. This gray-haired guy doing eight years for fraud. More betterment.īut the words: equalizer. ![]() My lawyer says they’ll hire a ghostwriter, but I kind of want to do it myself. This is going to be harder than I thought, writing a book. Now that I write that-I guess it’s the opposite of an equalizer. That’s when I knew it was going to be okay, that life inside wasn’t so different from life outside, the day I saw The Situation outside the rabbi’s office. There are tennis courts and kosher food, and I was the biggest star here once Mike The Situation from Jersey Shore got released. Otisville is medium security, like a middle school with razor wire. The psychos like him because he gets away with everything. The Fox-fucks admire him because he tells smart people to pound sand. My wife was worried that prison would be like Law & Order, but I told her everyone here is nice.
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